I wasn't sure whether to post this in its entirety, and I have to admit I spent several nights mentally writing and rewriting this post instead of sleeping because this blog has never been about airing my dirty laundry for everyone to see. I'm not a fan of sharing every deep and dark thing that goes on in my life, and I don't feel it has a place on my blog, but Refuge, a charity committed to ending domestic abuse, is a charity I feel strongly about and it's only fair that you get the full story why. So I'll just apologise for getting a little heavy, and ask that you please do continue reading, it's for a good cause.
When I was 18 I met a guy, we worked together at McDonalds in my hometown, and we ended up dating for several years. He was my first ever boyfriend (I'm a late bloomer) and while I freely admit I was more in love with the idea of being in love and knew it at the time, we decided to buy a house together. I was 20 years old at the time. We moved in together in September and things rapidly went downhill from there. The following March, on the day of my Mum's wedding to my Stepdad, we broke up after he pushed me up against a wall by my throat and repeatedly punched the wall by my head. I didn't go home for a week.
But I was stupid and stubborn and, quite frankly, I wasn't going to let the bastard win. He'd been drinking more and more; I'd quit college to get a full time job to support us, our best friend had moved in to the spare room to help us, but he just continued to drink his wages away. Every night I'd wait for him to come home, drag me out of bed by the arm and throw me on the floor. Or push me up against a wall again. Or hold me down in bed by the throat and repeatedly punch the pillow. I spent 8 months waiting for one of those blows to finally land, until - on my knees on the floor after being dragged from my bed - I dared him to hit me. He backed down.
I didn't stay because I didn't have anywhere else to go, and I certainly didn't stay because I still loved him. I stayed because I was young, I wasn't going to let him win, and I knew that if he hit me I could have him up on charges before he could blink (as did he, which is probably why he never actually hit me). What I didn't realise at the time is that abuse isn't just about having a violent partner, it can also take the form of emotional, psychological, sexual or financial abuse, and doesn't necessarily leave any visible marks. If more people spoke out about their experiences then perhaps it would stop happening so often; it's not shameful to have been abused, nor does it make you weak. I'm not ashamed of the fact that my boyfriend was mentally and emotionally abusive, and I'm not going to apologise for being scarred by that experience, and if my speaking out like this will help anyone else in a similar relationship realise that it's not okay, and that nothing you do warrants that type of behaviour then it was totally worth it.
But there are some women and children who aren't that lucky, who get beaten over and over, who are abused every day, and who don't have anywhere to go; that's where Refuge comes in. Refuge's network of safe houses provides emergency accomodation for women and children who are in need of somewhere to go. They have a national helpline, independent legal advocacy, outreach services, psychological support, and run preventation and education campaigns to help raise awareness.
They've also teamed up with Benefit Cosmetics for The Mascarathon, a 500+ mile relay marathon from Edinburgh to London via Cardiff and involving celebrity runners, competitions, make overs and the Benebago on tour. It's going to be an awesome series of events, running from the 15th to 29th June, travelling across the country as the runners make their way along the course, check out their website to see if they're coming to a place near you. Better yet, sign up to join the race or donate (details on their website). Support a charity that could help women and children across the country find safety, it might just be the lifeline someone you know needs.
I've disabled the comments on this post because I didn't write this to garner sympathy or pity, most people think domestic abuse only takes the form of violence (as I did) and I wanted to remind you that it really, really doesn't. I wrote this to prove that you just can't tell what's happening in someone's life, that it's never safe to make assumptions and that by helping a charity like Refuge you could be saving lives (and I don't just mean literally). If you want to sympathise, sympathise with the women and children being abused right now, and donate as much as you can spare to Refuge to help them, to help get the message out and to help make it stop.
If you have been, or are currently in, a similar situation and need help, please do contact Refuge, you don't have to go through this alone. While I cannot provide the help and support that Refuge offers, I am also happy to chat to people via email (see my contact page for details) if you feel talking to someone with similar experiences would be beneficial.
If you have been, or are currently in, a similar situation and need help, please do contact Refuge, you don't have to go through this alone. While I cannot provide the help and support that Refuge offers, I am also happy to chat to people via email (see my contact page for details) if you feel talking to someone with similar experiences would be beneficial.
Thanks for stopping by,
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